Redefining Success
“…too often our view of success is about some external bullshit idea of achievement — an Olympic medal, the ideal husband, a good salary. And we have all these metrics that we try and reach. When really success isn’t something you measure, and life isn’t a race you can win.” — Matt Haig, The Midnight Library
I recently finished reading Matt Haig’s novel The Midnight Library, and one of its central questions is, What does it mean to be successful? I’ve pondered this before, and lately have been considering how to redefine success for myself. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m 32 and a newlywed and beginning a new phase in my life, maybe it’s the fact that we’re in a deadly pandemic that has shaken all of us to our very cores….who’s to say? But upon reflection, I do recognize that there are many lies and limited definitions that society teaches us about success, and I’m trying to unlearn them.
When I started teaching, my mom suggested that someday I could work my way up to be an administrator. She meant well, but I explained to her that I wasn’t interested in this — not because I lack ambition, but because it’s a totally different type of job. I wanted to work hard to be a better teacher every year, not be locked away in an office drowning in paperwork and dealing with parents and disciplinary issues all day. The problem is that we live in a society that trains us to view success as a ladder, and tells us that if you’re not climbing that ladder, there’s something wrong with you. But we need to stop seeing this ladder as the be-all, end-all of success. A major part of success should instead be fulfillment. In terms of one’s profession, this can mean different things for different people: liking your job, being sufficiently challenged, feeling supported, feeling satisfied with the quality of the work you’re producing, making enough money to support your family. If climbing the ladder is part of how you achieve that fulfillment, that’s fine! Maybe this is what you need to be challenged or to support your family. But the climb doesn’t necessarily have to be constant, and it’s certainly not a one-size-fits all requirement.
It can be difficult to break away from this mentality when it is so ingrained in American culture. Standing guard on Wall Street is a statue of an angry bull. He seems to communicate that success requires toughness, boldness, and a certain patriarchal je ne sais quoi. American society praises people who choose to work 60–80 hours a week (not those working overtime or multiple jobs out of necessity to survive, but rather those who are in some sort of “high-powered” job), framing them as dedicated, successful, the American Dream in action. But at a certain point, are we working to live, or living to work? I see a big part of success as being able to have a healthy work-life balance. Much as this capitalistic society wants us to believe the opposite, work should not be everything. Success can be a softer, quieter feeling of achievement. It’s necessary to be able to have time away for family, socializing, hobbies, exercise, sleep, and relaxation. The fact that these feel like luxuries for so many is part of the sickness of America; we are still fighting for our elected leaders to guarantee everyone a liveable wage, affordable healthcare, and paid time off.
Another narrative, which we feed to children, is that one of the keys to success is pursuing your passions when deciding on a career. I’ve come to realize that this framing is harmful, because when people end up in good jobs that aren’t aligned with their passions, they may count this as a failure. Yes, some people are lucky enough to work in a field they are truly passionate about, and it’s great when that happens! But you can be fulfilled without having that passion if the job fulfills the needs previously mentioned. Success can mean holding down a good job and pursuing your passions in other ways — singing in the church choir, making soy candles to give as gifts, gardening, volunteering at a soup kitchen, cooking, diy interior design, etc. Success can look like finding what we’re good at or what we enjoy (even if we’re absolute garbage at it!) and devoting some of our free time to the enjoyment of those pursuits.
These other forms of success may be less tangible, but it doesn’t make them any less important. So often, we think of success in terms of work, but it’s time to go beyond that. I think some good questions to ask ourselves when examining our own success are, Do I have some strong relationships in my life with people I care about and can depend on who also care about and can depend on me? Am I following a path that is true to who I am? Am I a good person who works to fix their mistakes? Do I make a meaningful effort to make the world, or even just my corner of it, a little bit better? These aren’t bullet points to add to a resume, but they are elements of a rich and well-lived life. What’s even better is that they don’t demand perfection, and they don’t have to look the same for everyone. As the narrator of Marilynne Robinson’s novel Gilead observes, “There are many ways to live a good life.” “Strong relationships” may include marriage and kids for some people but not for others, and that’s okay. There are all kinds of other relationships to nurture and value. Some people may find success by leading activist movements or running charities to help change society on a larger scale, while others may contribute to smaller changes by doing occasional volunteer work, participating in the PTA, or helping their elderly neighbors. All are meaningful, whether they help one person or thousands.
One reason I’ve been thinking about success is because so many people have been struggling to feel successful during the pandemic, myself included. Most of us, at least those of us taking the pandemic seriously, have been unable to function at the level we were just a year ago. This is understandable — we haven’t been able to fully process or mourn the more than half million COVID-19 deaths in the U.S., anxiety and depression rates are up, attention spans are down, and the line between work and home has been blurred or blown up for many people. It’s easy to feel isolated, unmoored, and on edge. I’ve been on leave from teaching for several months for health reasons, and I’ve struggled with feeling like I’ve failed my students. I’m trying to reframe this for myself, and to see how what I have successfully done is prioritize my wellbeing, which I’ve not always done during my career. So often I have gone to school while fighting a bad cold or a migraine, have used sick days to catch up on grading, have stuck with jobs where I’ve been made to feel one foot tall. It was a success for me to be able to say, “No, I cannot continue to put myself in a situation that is a threat to my physical and mental health,” rather than martyring myself as society so often expects teachers to do.
Many parents have felt like failures during the pandemic, worrying they’re letting their kids watch too much TV, they’re not able to give their all to their jobs because they’re juggling childcare, their kids are missing out on so much, and on and on. But when I hear about my friends who have managed to hold down jobs while keeping small humans alive during this time, I am in awe of them. They may not be able to perform at the optimal level for normal standards, but that’s okay. I see them as amazing successes for keeping their kids safe, providing them with loving homes, and working to pay the bills. Parents of older kids worry that their kids aren’t being successful enough during the pandemic, having heard the constant drumbeat of “learning loss” from the government and media. But “learning loss” is based on metrics that were created by governments as well as testing and textbook companies, and we can collectively decide to not base success on that. Success is kids showing up to class, even though they may be tired of Zoom. Success is kids learning, period. Success is kids feeling like there’s at least one adult at school who they are connected with. Success doesn’t have to be a linear narrative; it can change based on circumstances, and a devastating worldwide pandemic certainly merits shifting how we view it.
Many people may cling to traditional definitions of success because there is comfort in clear, measurable goals. The problem is that too many end up feeling like failures or imposters. It’s too easy to become unable to see the forest through the trees; we’re so focused on achieving a narrow set of goals in a specific way that we lose sight of so many other important ways that we can be successful. To try to achieve fulfillment in life, we need to expand the definition of success beyond the rat race and beyond just our professional lives. As Toni Morrison said when writing about her father’s advice to her as a young girl, “You are not the work you do; you are the person you are.” We are more than our job titles — we have the ability to contain multitudes. Let’s define success in a way that makes space for all that we are and that allows us to show more kindness and grace towards ourselves.
